Are You Checking In or Checking Out?
Have you ever felt like you use sex to escape? Especially in today’s world of lockdowns and curfews, many of us feel stuck, and sex can give us an incredible feeling of aliveness, ripping us out of the banality of day-to-day life and into something much bigger than oneself. Sex has the potential to be transcendent, but often we use sex as a distraction or a way to avoid whatever else is going on - or not going on - in our lives.
When you have sex, whether with your partner or on a casual date, are you checking in or checking out?
Checking in looks like bringing your full self into play - your body and mind, and also your emotions and your full presence. Are you really there with your partner? Opening up to another human being? Owning your desire and pleasure?
Checking out looks like staying closed off. Maybe you retreat into a fantasy in your mind. Your partner might be pleasuring you and you’re consumed in a fantasy world in your imagination. Maybe you feel too much fear or anxiety to truly show yourself, so you resort to the common sexual script in order to play it safe. Checking out during sex leads to sex that’s predictable, scripted, and often just boring, lacking passion and connection. You leave and even though you just shared an incredibly intimate act with someone, you feel like you barely met them.
If your partner is checked out, you might feel used, objectified, un-seen. You might feel uncomfortable expressing your desires or boundaries because it feels like your partner isn’t present with you, willing and able to meet you where you are.
Most of us check out at some point. Perhaps you’re just not really in the mood, and you’re going through the motions of sex to make your partner happy. You may be overstressed, overworked, or just not feeling it.
If you recognize any of this in yourself, how can you check back in?
Check in with yourself before going into sex. How am I feeling right now? Both in my body, and emotionally? Am I distracted by other things going on in my life? If so, try taking 30 seconds to just sit still and breathe. Being in tune with yourself if essential for being in tune with your partner.
If you’re feeling distracted, go slow. Often times when we’re distracted we rush to the finish line so we can get it over and go back to what’s occupying our thoughts. Slowing things down can help bring you into the present. Try giving a massage to your partner and practice bringing your awareness into the present moment.
Eye contact. This is one of the simplest yet most powerful ways to connect with your partner. Many of us avoid eye contact because we’re afraid of being seen. It’s just too intimate. Can we allow ourselves to connect with our partner even for a few seconds so that we can check back in with each other?
If you feel your partner is checked out, ask them how they’re doing. Don’t be afraid to ask for a pause during sex and ask one another how it’s going. If someone replies “good”, I like to ask “what kind of good?”. It doesn’t need to be a long conversation, just to re-establish that you’re on the same page.
Be accountable to one another. Especially if you’re playing with a regular partner, tell them, “hey, it feels to me like you’re not fully present. Can we take a second to come back into connection?” It’s essential that when you do this, it’s coming from a place of a genuine desire to connect, rather than blaming or criticism. Your partner may have many valid reasons why they’re not present, and you’re gently offering an invitation to come back into the moment.
Checking in can feel scary - we can have a lot of emotions hiding just under the surface. Know that when you check in, you’re not just practicing being present, you’re checking in to deeper pleasure, greater satisfaction, and more fulfilling sex.
